This isn’t the whole story. There’s lots that happened before and after. But here’s the “dramatic middle”...

You’re on an early winter hike in the pacific northwest with your favorite person.  And while this moment is a combination of many of your favorite things (travel, outdoor adventure, and your best friend); your stomach is nauseous. 

The urge to vomit distracts you from the magical, foggy views you’d been daydreaming about for weeks. With each step, you start replaying what you ate; trying to find the culprit. Maybe that first meal at the pier didn’t set well with you after an early morning flight. 

No, it wasn’t the 3-inch french toast. Because you hadn’t been able to eat it. You’d wanted to. You’d gone to Skillet specifically for the eggy + carby goodness after eating it on your first trip here two years before. But when it arrived, you couldn’t get past the first three bites. 

That’s weird. You never lose your appetite. 

And disappointing. You’d been really excited to see if a “favorite travel meal” could repeat. I guess not. Maybe they changed chef’s?

You urge your awareness back to the hike. You’re sure that, “everything is fine”. You’ve been fantasizing about this trip for months and it’s finally here. “Be. Here. Now.”, you mantra to yourself with each step. 

But you can’t. Not fully. 

Your body keeps distracting you. Keeps tugging at your attention. Back the nausea. It’s like your body is trying to tell you something, but you’re still not fluent in her native tongue. 

The line of communication to your physical vessel is still relatively new. After decades of complete disconnect from your body, it’s been a slow process to hear her again. And many messages still get lost in translation. 

You continue on for a few more miles, trying to gaslight your body into believing that everything is in fact, fine. But damn, she’s stubborn. Eventually, she ups the ante. Bypassing the body cues and goes straight for a download of knowing. Straight to your soul, with clarity.

You need to leave your marriage. 

Excuse me, what?!

Talk about a blindside. No, no, body, you must not understand. Turning around, you see your favorite person, walking behind you on the trail, smiling back at you. Hiking, because you love hiking. You see the person you’re celebrating seven years of marriage with on this trip. This must be one of those miscommunication things. You probably misheard her. 

You need to leave your marriage. 

Fuck, she seems pretty clear. But she’s probably confused. She’s thinking about OTHER people’s relationships. There’s lots of people that shouldn't be together. People that constantly fight and hurt each other. But that’s not you and him. You love him. And, he loves you. Unconditionally. In ways you’ve never experienced before. You also really, really LIKE him. Day to day life is easy. And fine. He’s your favorite roommate you’ve ever had. He’s stable and solid. He’s kind. 

Is she listening? Is the bargaining working?

You need to leave your marriage. 

Fuuuuuck. She’s using the nausea again. 

She’s not responding to logic or reason. She’s not listening to all of his wonderful attributes. It’s almost like she doesn’t care how good of a man he is. Or how much everyone else loves him. Or how much this would hurt him. It’s almost as if prioritizing HIS feelings isn’t HER concern.

But what about MY feelings? Doesn’t she see me freaking out? Doesn’t she understand that leaving my best friend and the life we’ve built together would wreck me? Doesn’t she understand that what she’s telling me to do is impossible? Who the fuck does she think she is? Telling ME what to do with MY life?

And with that, she formally introduces herself…

Hey, it’s me, your intuition.

With Curiosity, 

Emily